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You'll Think Twice Before Bringing Home An : Orphan review.

After watching Orphan you’ll think twice before adopting a 33 year old dwarf psychopath. Oh snap, did I just spoil the twist in the first sentence? You bet your candy ass I did, and I’m not even going to apologize. This movie is pure crap. Don’t believe me? Well you will before then end.

The story follows Kate and John Coleman and their family, a daughter named Max, and a son named Daniel. Max is deaf, so get use to gn language. Kate lost a baby while it was still in her ( Grace anyone?), and became an alcoholic to deal with it. She was passed out drunk one night when Max almost drowned in the lake. Remember this, because it comes back in the ending.

So, the Coleman’s decide to adopt, and who better to bring home than Esther, the only child actress who’s accent is more annoying then her dialog. Esther’s a weird one, she likes to wear only dresses, and wears ribbons on her neck and wrists. If you try to take off her ribbon’s you get treated with some really crappy camera effects, and yelling that lasts just long enough for you to fracture your skull off the nearest wall.

Esther gets more and more evil as the story goes on. Pushing a girl off a slide and breaking her leg, killing a nun, attempting to murder the other Coleman children. What’s wrong with her that she can’t just get along with everyone? mple, she’s not a child, she’s a 33 year old dwarf who escaped from a mental hospital to an orphanage in America. She acts like a child, tries to seduce the

man of the house, and if that fails, Kills them all.

Well, it fails, but not before some really fucking creepy scenes that leave you feeling this movie’s climax might be child porn. Not fucking cool. But Esther get’s turned down, so she does the only thing that makes sense. Take off her clothes, unwrap them titties, trash her room, and stab the father to death. Sucks dude, but maybe next time you won’t be the only family member to take the dwarf’s de.

The movie climaxes in a battle between mother and dwarf, with the deaf girl caught up in the middle of course. Where’s the climax take place? The lake that Max nearly drowned in of course, but this time Esther’s left to drown after a nice boot to the de of the head. There is an alternate ending that comes on the dvd. It’s so bad it’s laughable.

The acting in this one is crap. None of the characters come off as believable, and when the parents try to cry, it hurts to watch. What special effects there are alright, the boot to Esthers head in the end being the highlight.

The movie makes use of false scares to often, I kept a notebook with me just to keep track of them, I lost count half way in. The movie suffers most from it’s length, coming in at two hours. Two fucking hours and nothing exciting or interesting really happens. I don’t want to blame the director for the movie either , as he brought us House Of Wax, and Liam Neeson’s Unknown. I will however point the finger towards the writer, who’s other works include Red Riding Hood, and the upcoming Clash Of The Titans II.

Avoid this movie, there are plenty of other Evil Children movies that are worth your time, this one falls short on everything.

Score – 15% Gore – 4/10
HorrorDaily Wednesday 7/27/2011 at 08:55 PM | 79392
,_, I quite enjoyed this film... and I wouldn't mind adopting a 33 year old midget lady >_> then you wouldn't have to teach her how to do mple stuff like FLUSHING THE FUCKING TOILET AFTER YOU POOP!!!

BloodyAdored Wednesday 7/27/2011 at 09:51 PM | 79394
Yes. I love you.. someone who gives it to us straight. I'm not going to lie.. I've never seen it, but that's because it looked too fucking stupid to even watch. That's how I feel about 98% of the movies that come out commercially anymore.. I did give Indious a try, and oh sucked ass as well. and I spent 18 dollars on it. ):<
ImTheWolf Wednesday 7/27/2011 at 09:54 PM | 79395
Yes. I love you.. someone who gives it to us straight. I'm not going to lie.. I've never seen it, but that's because it looked too fucking stupid to even watch. That's how I feel about 98% of the movies that come out commercially anymore.. I did give Indious a try, and oh sucked ass as well. and I spent 18 dollars on it. ):<

you should check it out. You may conder this "giving it to us straight", but I'd argue that until my daughter (who's almost 10) turned 33 herself. The movie is actually a fucking brilliant piece of work that needs to be seen, not read about (shakes head at the reveal of that spoiler, which was extremely uncool). HD: I'm actually very, very surprised that you can give a film like Night of the Demons a rating of 80%, while delivering a 15% rating here. Honestly, that one has my jaw hanging.

The Orphan has numerous chilling sequences, and feels like it delivered every emotion The Good Son aimed to in 93. Not to mention the acting, which is for the most part, excellent.

I'll admit I stopped reading this review after the first paragraph (out of sheer disbelief lol), so I don't know if you covered it, but there's a sequence in the film between Esther and John that isn't just creepy, it's deeply, deeply disturbing (ESPECIALLY if you happen to be a father).

The film is nister to the fullest, and ealy one of the best horror films to hit the commercial market in a few decades.

Were I rating this film on a percentage scale, it would garner a rating somewhere between 85-95%.

Absolutely wonderfully disturbing flick that I'd recommend EVERYONE check out at least once. Fucking creeeeeeeeepy!
Matt_Molgaard Thursday 7/28/2011 at 05:44 PM | 79462
I went into the movie wanting to like it, I had heard mixed things, but I honestly can not justify giving it a higher rating then I did.

Mind you, maybe if I had children etc. this movie would of came off better, but I just think it was lazy writing.

I do agree that the scene later on between Esther and John was quite disturbing, I was a little afraid what direction the movie was about to go there, thankfully it went the moral high ground.
HorrorDaily Friday 7/29/2011 at 02:36 AM | 79497
I watched this film.

I remember when it was first advertised...I was in L.A. working on a feature. I saw posters EVERYWHERE adverting this movie.

Last month I finally saw it. It was not all that bad. A bit lengthy, yes. A bit too lengthy actually.

Anyway (SPOILER) the phone conversation where they find out it wasn't an orphanage she was from, actually an insane asylum, and the fact that she was 33 and not a child, was pretty damn good.

I'd say in concluon that if the film was a total of 80 minutes in length and edited a bit tighter while getting to the plot quicker, it would be better. But, what do I know, I just watch movies.
aceofspades70 Friday 7/29/2011 at 03:21 AM | 79499