I have to admit that I had this one coming.
I read all of the negative reviews and heard all of the negative reviews but I still refused to believe that a movie about killer sharks could be all that bad even if it was rated PG-13.
Wow was I wrong.
Not only was this an absurdly bad movie but it's worse when you hear yourself telling someone about it.
This movie was an insult to stupid movies.
And I liked Snakes on a Plane so what does that tell you.
If you have any intention of seeing this "masterpiece" then stop reading now because there will be spoilers to follow as I destroy this miserable "film".
The film opens with a scene stolen almost shot for shot from the opening of Jaws.
A nod to that film is fine but Jaws actually built the movie around it's opening and this one threw it into the beginning and never mentions the kill again.
What happened to the boyfriend?
Was he killed to?
Did he not notice his girlfriend was gone?
Okay the movie continues where we are introduced to se7en main characters.
A lucky number?
They rush these characters at you so fast it is hard to keep track of which character is which.
Sarah Paxton I got.
Her acting gives wooden planks a bad name.
Also there is a dog introduced to the film.
The first thing I thought of was the dog in Jaws and how he was cleverly dispatched and following the (unofficial) fourth rule in a horror film, which states that any innocent character in a horror film that has a pet you know the pet is doomed.
(see Jaws, Secret Window, Halloween, Snakes on a Plane, etc.)
Anyway, they are all going down to Sarah's parents house, shack, cabin located on the Louianna Bayou.
Her parents are rich after all.
You get all of the token players from the muscular jock, the nerd who wants to get with the cute girl, his best friend who is a gamer, the adonis who loves himself, a throw away girlfriend, etc.
The kids hop into an SUV and end up at a gas station where we meet two shady backwoods rednecks (who are the most interesting people in the movie and the only ones acting like they give a damn) and it turns out that Sarah's exboyfriend Grim is one of them.
This now gives the viewer 9 characters to keep track of.
After a brief and unbelievable scuffle with the rednecks the kids make it to Sarah's power boat that will take them to the shack, manon, cabin whatever and they end up racing down the swamp against the local sheriff played by Donal Logue.
I smiled when I saw his name in the opening credits because I remembered how good he was in Blade as Quinn and I was eager waiting for him to show up.
I blinked and missed him.Up next the kids decide to have good old fashoned fun in the Bayou.
I have to admit that the water skiing stunts were quite good.
I was starting to become interested in the film when it happened.
An extremely bad looking CGI fin broke through the waves and led to an even worse looking CGI shark under the, surpringly clear, swamp water.
The jock is flung from the water skis and ends up in the water.
It turns out his football career is over because the shark bites his arm off.
And leaves the arm in the water.
I saw this film in 2D
but I don't imagine the 3D veron would be any better.
What happens next in the film is idiocy beyond belief.
The nerd decides that they have to take our jock to the hospital and they only have two hours to reattach the arm.
ALL 9 OF THEM GET INTO THE BOAT!
It is deduced that they have to lighten the load to pick up speed so instead of making 6 of them get out he only makes 2 of them get out.
I thought he wanted to pick up speed?
So they try and escape and another kid ends up in the water.
Long story short she gets sucked down and disappears.
This review is way longer than this film deserves.
But rest assured that before this film limps over the finish line, the two rednecks and the sheriff re-enter the picture and give a half assed explanation about why the sharks are there, more college kids will end up doing stupid stuff that puts them into the water.
I guess looking back at this film it reminded me alot of Friday the 13th 3D with the friends going to a remote location and running a foul of the local heavies and ending up having to battle an unstoppable force.
However, the kids in that film had no choice, Jason could have been anywhere at anytime.
These kids have a choice and they always picked the wrong one.
What was the thought process?
If I go into the water where the sharks are I'll die, I don't want to die so I'll stay on dry land.
How hard is that?!
10 characters in a 90min shark film is way too many to keep track of.
The two rednecks and the sheriff I understand but the kids could have been cut down to 4 instead of 7.
As far as the film's rating goes an R rated veron wouldn't have helped this film because it fails at the script level.
But even with a bad script decent actors could have made something out of it.Through it's faults even Jaws 3D had it's cool moments.
The actors in this film just didn't seem to care at all.
None of them really made an effort to stand out and be a person you could sympathize with so you really feel nothing when these sharks take them down.
Looking back at the film I actually found my self rooting for the psycho rednecks to win.
In Deep Blue Sea I could buy a super smart shark that could swim backwards but I am so not buying a shark swimming in a swamp.
The CGI was horrible, the "acting" atrocious, the pacing a joke, and the film even at 90 just dragged on way to long.
So like I said in the beginning, I blame myself for this one.
Was there anything worth salvaging out of this disaster?
Not really.So my final verdict is:out of *****
Nada, Zero, Zilch, Bust, el sa busto.
The absolute worst "horror" film I have ever had the displeasure of tting through.
As Roger Ebert said of North: I hated, hated, hated, hated this movie.