Brace yourself, horror fans: the march of the remakes continues. While many film fans - horror and otherwise - have been extraordinarily vocal about their disdain for the constant retread of old ideas, and studios’ incessant pumping out of remade films that do not do their originals justice, it makes no difference to the Hollywood movie machine. Here is a quick look at horror films, clasc and otherwise, rumored to be in the running for remakes in the near future.
The Monster Squad (1987)
This 1987 cult clasc just barely made it to dvd and already it’s up on the chopping block. Reports vary as to whether or not the production scheduled for a 2014 release is truly a remake, a sequel, or just a new idea with an old name. With a current plot summary listed as “An action comedy about a neurotic father who faces off against monsters from his childhood”, evidence points towards a sequel - but why? The original film is 25 years old with cult status, not a blockbuster from the recent past. Is waiting a quarter of a century to continue a story really appropriate, or even profitable? Is this a story that even needs to go on? The ragtag band of children facing off against clasc horror monsters was a great idea, but it loses its charm once the children grow up.
Verdict: LET IT DIE
Gremlins (1984)
A remake of Gremlins will walk a fine line between paying tribute to a clasc and ung it as a vehicle to display new technology. The film has grown beyond iconic; everyone knows the rules: don’t get them wet, and don’t feed them after midnight. The sweet little mogwai, Gizmo, is a character so cherished that nearly twenty years after the film’s release, a new toy fashioned after Gizmo - a ‘friend of Furby’ Gizmo doll - became a best seller. Even Stripe, the lean mean leader of the gremlins, is ealy recognizable and well-loved. Replacing these creatures with new incarnations would be about as good an idea as having a different actor portray Fred Kreuger! … Oh, wait. Apart from the icon status of the film and its creatures, there is still the issue of new technology. We do so love to show off our fancy new computer skills in film these days, don’t we? Imagine Gizmo and Stripe as intangible computer animations and not the animatronic creatures and puppets we know and love. In two years time, the computer graphics will look dated. Why replace the original with a film that will seem obsolete so soon after release?
Verdict: LET IT DIE
Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)
Very little is known about the rumored remake of this Universal clasc, apart from the fact that a script has reportedly been written. Gary Ross, who adapted The Hunger Games for film and wrote the 1988 Tom Hanks clasc Big is said to be behind the script, which could come as good news, particularly so nce his father, Arthur Ross, penned the ‘54 script. Rather than a tear-down and rebuild, this remake might actually be an homage to the original. Attached to the film (again, rumor has it) is current Hollywood it-boy, Channing Tatum. With a film that has remained relatively unscathed for more than fifty years, a new veron hitting screens to draw in some new horror fans might not be a bad thing.
Verdict: GO FOR IT!
Battle Royale (2000)
This Japanese film, based on the novel of the same name by Koushun Takami, is already a cult clasc. The violent tale of high school students forced to battle to the death for their own survival is being released to Blu-Ray this year and was released to US theaters in celebration of the new edition being released, much to the glee of many fans who had never seen it on the big screen. A remake had purportedly been on the books for several years and was thought to have died with the popularity of The Hunger Games - essentially the same story - but could be brought back to life with the publicity generated from the Blu-Ray and theater releases.
I will say this only once: STOP ANGLICIZING GOOD FILMS. English-speaking public, it will do you no harm to see a subtitled or, god help us, even dubbed veron of a foreign film. We do not need to remake every great movie from another culture in our own image. Didn’t we learn anything from The Grudge?
The Verdict: LET IT DIE
(Bedes, The Hunger Games kind of remade it already... oooh... that’s right I said it.)
Pet Sematary (1989)
Who among us has not winced at little evil Gage’s slice to the Achilles tendon of his kindly neighbor? Little Miko Hughes was the epitome of a creepy little monster child as the unfortunate Gage Creed, raised from the dead by his father’s meddling with ancient burial grounds. While many Stephen King novels are massacred for the sake of film, this was a decent adaptation that brought to life not only the horror of the loss of a child, but crazed lengths a parent will go to recover what they lost. Add in the childhood terror of an ill but very frightening bling, and Pet Sematary is an absolute clasc. Even should a child be found to play young Gage better than Hughes, there is no posble way to replicate the abject horror of Andrew Hubatsek’s gruesome ster Zelda.
The Verdict: LET IT DIE
(Other King projects rumored for remakes in the near future include Carrie, The Stand and IT. Note to Hollywood: Knock that crap off.)
American Psycho (2000)
The genius of Patrick Bateman has long been that the serial killer’s exploits were set against the age of excess: the 1980’s. The ME decade, when money was wasted on every tiny useless luxury available to the yuppie crowd was the only place for Bateman, a walking, talking, murdering metaphor for everything that was wrong with that mindset. Though the novel has been optioned, it hasn’t been greenlighted by Lionsgate just yet, and let’s keep our fingers crossed that it never is. The remake won’t just be a new adaptation; it will rewrite the entire serial murder saga as having taken place in the modern era, stripping away the subtleties of the original. Bad form!
The Verdict: LET IT DIE
So Bidites, what are YOUR thoughts? What movies should be remade? What needs a fresh new look? What needs to stay dead and buried? Comment and tell it like only the hardcore horror fan can.