Stars: Ed Quinn, Pascale Hutton and Cindy Busby
Director: David Hogan
Writer: Rachelle S. Howie
It happens that the SciFi Chan. . . er. . . I mean SyFy Channel. . . knows that it’s movies are crap. In order to capitalize on this, they’ve made tongue in-cheek films starring Deborah (Debbie!) Gibson and joyfully poke fun at their own image. That’s all well and good but, the truth is, the movies they try to play off on a serious note are much, much more funny.
And that’s not funny in a comic, goofy, they did it on purpose, kind of way.
Funny in a, dear God, could this posbly be any worse? Kind of way. And so I present to you my very own take on one of the more recent entries in SyFy’s cadre of Really Bad Films: Behemoth. In fitting with the awesomely bad theme of the film, this will be an awesomely bad, play by play, armchair review, written as the film is being watched and done in the style of the long-revered MST3K.
Warning the First: From here on out, thar be spoilers.
Warning the Second: From here on out, thar be bad grammar and spelling, used in a satiric manner.
I am joined in this endeavor by my lovely asstants, Ash and Paul. So here we go.
Behemoth is Awesomely Bad.
Generic Skeptic Sherriff is refung to evacuate the mountain, even though Hot Young Thang Geologist and Sexy Rugged Mountain Man (played by SyFy favorite Ed Quinn of Eureka fame) inst somethin’ just ain’t raight.
Meanwhile, Evil Secret Government Agent is up on the mountain, doing Secret Agenty Evil Government things.
All the while, up on the mountain, Cute Hometown Couple up for a weekend of camping and smexing are running from Mountain Tentacle Monster.
Crack Pot Old Man Who Knows About Monsters had previously tried to warn Generic Skeptic Sherriff, to no avail, but, ooh! CrackPot Old Man Who Knows About Monsters is daddy of Sexy Rugged Mountain Man AND the female half of Cute Hometown Couple!
SRMM and HYTG are going up the mountain to get Cute Hometown Girl and CPOMWKAM is giving them a sacred tribal artifact. And of course, SRMM and HYTG pause on their trek up the mountain to discuss their prior failed smexy romance.
Oooh! It’s Evil Secret Government Agent, who is trying to retrieve some case from a team of previous Secret Government Agents, now Secret Government Agent Corpses, on the mountain, while below in Cute Small Town, the earth begins to rip open.
CPOMWKAM is still in town even though Generic Skeptic Sherriff, who is of course HYTG’s uncle, finally ordered his evacuation, trying to get Token Young Orphan Minority Woman to leave her job as the waitress at a local cafe, so they are tossed about like little plastic dolls shot from a faraway camera in lieu of real special effects that… oh. Nevermind.
So Sayeth Ash: NO!
TOKEN YOUNG ORPHAN MINORITY WOMAN!!!! They’re usually the best characters.
So Sayeth Paul: Keep going, this way I don’t have to watch it
Mountain Tentacle Monster waits until ESGA goes through his spiel to SRMM and HYTG about his Special Case Which Must Be Retrieved, before popping a tentacle up through the ground and walloping ESGA. Walloped him and broke his organs or something. You know. Generic death, spits up blood, cryptic message, and now a corpse.
Oh noes! CPOMWKAM and Token Young Orphan Minority Woman nk beneath the ground in the cafe, where CPOMWKAM can give HIS spiel on the origins on the mountain, all the while slowly suffocating from the carbon dioxide (“The native’s called it Dragon’s Breath…”) that seeps in through broken windows. CPOMWKAM would be one of the big stars of this film, as he is Cancer Man from The X-Files, also known as William B. Davis.
CPOMWKAM is now relating his Tale of Woe about the death of his wife to TYOMW, and relating the life’s lesson that “sometimes… there’s a second chance”. Meanwhile, on the mountain, Cute Hometown Couple fall down, go boom.
So Sayeth Paul: Oh noes! They go boom? And hooray for Cancer Man!
OH NOES! MOUNTAIN TENTACLE MONSTER ATE THE MALE HALF OF CUTE HOMETOWN COUPLE! Cute Blonde Hometown Girl, formerly Girl Half of Cute Hometown Couple, rescued in the nick of time by her big brother, Sexy Rugged Mountain Man. SYTG conveniently has a satellite map of the mountain tucked into her fancy vest, and they decide to head for a forest ranger’s shelter.
So Sayeth Ash: Oh noes!
Male Half of Hometown Couple was apparently taxing the payroll department.
Cue creepy choir muc: Giant tentacles of Mountain Tentacle Monster rise out of the mountain as clouds gather overhead, and Cute Blonde Hometown Girl screams. Back at the Now Underground Cafe, they rig a ramshackle ladder to escape through the roof, and once near the top, Token Young Orphan Minority Woman falls down and smashes her face, knocking herself unconscious. Back on the mountain, Mountain Tentacle Monster also produces claws.
So Sayeth Ash:
Fancy special effects.
TYOMW is roused by CPOMWKAM and they proceed to re-climb, however this time CPOMWKAM falls and rolls about on the ground for a while.
Oh look! On the mountain! A helicopter! And, yes! SRMM is a helicopter pilot, who trained HYTG to fly one during their smexin’ days! They also found… a big ol’ rocket launcher (a la Buffy) and SRMM tries to assemble it!
More flailing, more tentacle wallop avoiding.
CPOMWKAM has climbed up again but the ladder fell again and now his old man legs are a-danglin’! Until words of encouragement from TYOMW inspire him to pull his saggy old man ass up to safety!
So Sayeth Paul: So… someone knows how to assemble a rocket launcher but people have trouble climbing ladders?
So Sayeth Ash: “You can’t leave us CPOMWKAM! You still have value in our particular tuation, and you’re pulling the lowest paycheck in the flick after myself!”
Mountain Tentacle Monster reveals its face, and it looks kind of like a… rocky condor. Rocket launcher is assembled, one shot, but where to shoot?!
But WAIT! CBHG remembers daddy, CPOMWKAM, telling her a legend of… how… to kill… that exact… monster. And they send a perfect shot from the rocket launcher, down Mountain Tentacle Monster’s throat – open up and say ahh! – to split its heart in two.
Whereby it flails and groans and esplodes.
AT THAT EXACT MOMENT… back in town, CPOMWKAM and TYOMW climb out the roof of the cafe, just in time for the helicopter to spot them, and they all run to embrace each other, not even injured or anything, poor Cute Hometown Boy Who Was Eaten mysteriously forgotten.
Oh wait, there is the brief forlorn look.
And SRMM and HYTG der haben de big smoochen, and they all walk off into the mist, CO2 and earthquakes forgotten.
Keep an eye out for inevitable pre/sequels, Underwater Behemoth, starring Sexy Rugged Submariner
and Underwater Tentacle Monster, and Behemoth in Space, starring Sexy Rugged Astronaut and Asteroid and/or Mars Tentacle Monster.
Thank you, thank you! No applause.
Cash would be nice though.