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You're Gonna Totally Need A Bigger Boat! Megalodan: Shark Attack 3 (2002)

If you thought we’ve covered the best (or worst) in shark flicks, hang on to your swim trunks cause it doesn’t get bigger than this! We’ve covered The Great White, Tiger, even the Mako, but nothing you’ve seen can ever prepare you for MEGALODAN! What the hell is Megalodan? It sounds like one of Godzilla’s adversaries, but its actually the name of a prehistoric shark. That can be kind of interesting, right? Some one thought so because today’s Craptacular Shark flick is Megalodan: Shark Attack 3! This film is notorious for having the greatest WTF line in movie history. Let’s take a look at the king of Jaws rip offs, shall we?

Shark Attack 3 has nothing to do with parts 1 or 2 so no worries there. Ben Carpenter is super beach patrol dude, keeping the waters safe! That is until he goes diving and recovers a giant shark tooth! Now super beach patrol dude knows nothing about sharks so he does what anyone would do, he Googles it.

Eventually, his Googling finds its way to Cat Stone, San Diego Paleontologist and posbly part time Hooters Girl. She gets one look at the uploaded photo of Ben’s Mega tooth and she’s on a plane to Mexico (If ya think showing off your large tooth is a bad ass move, wait till ya hear his line to seal the deal!)

Cat shows up and the two do some investigating (or at least that’s what the kids are calling it these days. I call it flirting). Eventually, they figure out that this 15 foot monster swallowing swimmers is just a baby and should be no problem making steaks out of it. Good thing because people are dying! Once they get out on the water, things go from bad to unfuckingbelieveable when our super model shark hunting tag team find out that every baby has a mamma, and this one is pissed! So much about this film is bad that you can’t help but love it. For starters, it doesn’t take itself seriously like most of these films. It knows what it is and it doesn’t try to be anything more. It mply wants to entertain you and by god will you ever be entertained!

John Barrowman of “Torchwood” plays Ben Carpenter with such conviction that you believe every ridiculous word that comes out of his mouth, including “That Line”. Jenny McShane, who played a different character in the Casper Van Dien original, gets a chance to get wild here as Cat Stone, a woman who is a Paleontologist because she has a couple of Dino-books on her desk. Together this Dynamic Duo of the beach contend with the evil corporation Apex, the man eating baby shark, and the 65 foot

(looks like 100 ft.) Magalodan mamma!

There’s lots of action that you won’t see anywhere else (I guarantee that) and you’ll laugh more than you will at most comedies. Not because it’s terribly funny but because you won’t be able to believe your ears! Is it good? Well, no. Is it bad?

Not really, no. It’s one of those films that kind of deny clasfication in that sense, one of those guilty pleasures that you love but would never tell your friends about,

and you should. If for no other reason, to marvel at super stud Ben Carpenter’s ULTIMATE and FAIL SAFE, pick up line. Men, take notes. Women, take heed!

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Other Craptacular Shark Week Entries:

JAWS Gets Real: Mako: Jaws of Death (1976)

JAWS Runs for the Border: Tintorera: Killer Shark (1977)

Return of the Italian Shark: Cruel Jaws (1995)

JAWS TOO: The Last Shark (1981)
sinful Celluloid Wednesday 8/15/2012 at 01:20 AM | 95549