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We All Know How We're Gonna Die: Werewolves On Wheels (1971)

“We all know how we’re gonna die baby, we’re gonna crash and burn!”

There was a time when Biker movies and satanic horror filled the screen in abundance; I love this era because everything was in excess.

There were plenty of satanic cults, vampires, werewolves, and hot naked chicks to go around, and that was per movie!

Out of the madness came Werewolves on Wheels.

W.O.W will leave you, while blinking your eyes. The Devil’s Advocates are a biker gang that you might find sharing an uneasy alliance with Psychomania’s “Living Dead” biker gang.

After a violent opening where they beat a man half to death, the group heads inde for some leisure time lead by the gang leader, Adam and his girl Helen.

Here, they take over the service station and party hard. The group spiritualist “Tarot” is reading his cards when he makes an ominous prediction: they are all heading towards death. Forsaking his prediction, or perhaps because of it, they head towards a monastery where they are greeted by a group of hooded monks.

The gang throws down on generous portions of bread and wine until they pass out.

Enter “The One”. The only monk who is allowed to speak. He introduces himself to the group and leaves, presumably to prepare. After the group is asleep, the fun begins. After sacrificing a cat, Helen is summoned by The One to the Black Mass where she strips nude and performs a snake and skull dance! As far a naked snake dancing goes, she ties Selma Hayek for sure (why don’t we have more naked snake dancing?).

Anyways, Adam wakes and is all, “where’s my bitch?” So he and the others go looking for her.

Forget Pirate Vs. Ninja, forget Zombies Vs. Strippers. This is Bikers Vs. Satanic Monks! It’s on now. They rescue Helen and bust out of the joint, but there are consequences.

The next night, two of the gang are killed savagely by an animal. Two by two they are stalked as paranoia begins to take over their senses. Will Adam and Helen find the beasts in time?

W.O.W. is a movie that would not have been made in any other era. From the rough realistic bikers of the time to the satanic nudity, they just don’t make them like they used to.

There are lots of genre favs in this one. Stephen Oliver of Russ Meyers’ Motor psycho plays Adam, who smooches on D.J. Anderson of Count Yorga and Dream no Evil. Also featured are Gene Shane (Velvet Vampire) and Severn Darden from the Planet of the Apes series.

This film is heavy on biker action and Satanism but light on werewolf action. It is however, very much like films of the day, where the horror kinda comes in at the end. Is it for everyone? No. But it is for those who love the films of this era. Many people bitch that the film is a mess and doesn’t deliver. Is it truly werewolves on wheels? Well yeah actually. The poster doesn’t lie but it does raise the expectations of the uninitiated.

Should you see it? I think so. It is a nice afternoon double bill with Psychomania and a cautionary tale of the consequences of mesng with things that we don’t understand, no matter how tough and superior we think we are.
sinful Celluloid Saturday 6/16/2012 at 05:50 AM | 93690
I saw this... I was really excited about it. The title is great and could be a great movie. Total waste of time, let down. Do not waste your time or money on this.
TheSkeletonCrew Saturday 6/16/2012 at 12:59 PM | 93694