Forums Horror Movie Talk
TROLL 2: Remake 3D (Bruce Campbell, Megan Fox, Sean Connery)



With the barrage of remake after remake and 3D announcement after 3D announcement why hasn’t the legendary “Best Worst Movie” ever made, Troll 2, made it into the rehash department? Let’s face it, we see blockbuster written all over this idea.

So no studio has stood up to this challenge but we here at HorrorBid thought it would be fun to do a little “what If” game here. We have taken it upon ourselves to cast the remake and give you a little sample of what our “Troll 2: The Remake in 3D (of course)” might contain.

We start things off with a modest 400 million dollar budget. Why such a drastic leap from what the original cost to make in 1989 to the 400 mill? Well it’s mple. Casting isn’t cheap. It was tough to get Sean Connery out of retirement to play the role of Grandpa Seth. You add in the 3D cameras (we wanted to shoot in Star Wars Hologram Technology but George Lucas claims that was all movie magic, yeah right George. I suppose Lightsabers are fake also?) and the fact that we want to shoot the entire film in down town Manhattan (we plan on tearing down buildings for forest and country scenes). We could have just picked a country setting in some quaint town but some of the crew said they were allergic to rural air. So right there we have a lot of funds being spent on demolition and A-list actors. Not only that but we want to allocate 20 million of the budget for green goup, something that a Troll 2 film can’t be made without. In some shots we expect you will see nothing more than green, so to fix that we will CGI the characters back in, etc. You get the point. It makes no sense what so ever but that shows our commitment and pason we have for this project.

Our casting search began with the roll of Michael Waits. In this day and age who is a master at one liners not to mention a B-movie phenom? This choice was almost too easy. With prior experience battling the forces of darkness and with medieval combat under his belt we thought the chinned one, Bruce Campbell, would be the ideal candidate to fill the shoes of the Waits patriarch. In the end it all came down to the line delivery of, "You can't piss on hospitality". George Hardy made the line so famous that to remove it from the screenplay or have some hack like Sean Penn (honestly has he done anything?) butcher it would be blasphemy and we just couldn't do that to the Troll 2 fans. We needed charisma, we needed a man's man, we needs some chin . . . we need Bruce Campbell.



Our next choice might surprise you but once you read our explanation we think you'll agree she's the right actress for the roll of the Goblin Witch, Creedence Leonore. Obviously what we are most concerned about is how the popcorn sex scene is handled (it being the most important plot point in the entire film). Don't forget we are going 3D with our Troll 2 remake and we won't be doing that post-converon crap. We want that Witch's rack flying in your face so hard you'll think you're in a strip bar. So who's currently hard up for cash at the moment? Who is a horrible actress but doesn't know it? Miss Megan Fox come on down! Honestly, we think she fits the roll perfectly. Extremely gorgeous with no acting ability, we have our new Creedence Leonore ladies and gentlemen. Also, our hearts go out to Megan after her dismissal from Transformers 3. We thought nce her film career pretty much centered around horror (Jennifer's Body, Jonah Hex) outde the autobot world that she'd jump all over this paycheck. Plus, we need to be honest. We actually want people to come see this movie so we can make our money back and we need as many horny teenage boys in the theaters as posble. Megan Fox is the Troll 2 remake savior! From this moment on when guys ask their girlfriends to awkwardly fulfill their corn on the cob fantaes they'll no longer be thinking of Deborah Reed but instead have a picture of Megan Fox stapled on the paper bag (Oops, thinking out loud is a bad thing). You don't think she's a good choice? Come on guys! Recent polls show that 60 percent of the time Megan Fox is hot all the time (failed attempt at Anchorman joke insert here).



Just about every movie has a wise old sage who guides the protagonist through their challenges. Our Troll 2 remake will be no different as Grandpa Seth will return to help his outmatched grandson. This is where our modest budget comes into play with half of it going to bribing r Sean Connery out of acting retirement. Now if that doesn't work then we needed enough funds to hire some "People" to politely kidnap his wife and hold her hostage until he agrees to play the role. If Plan B happens then we'll need a cage on set to hold Connery while he completes his Troll 2 commitments (we don't want him running off to the po po do we?). Also, we'd then need at least 5 henchmen with special fighting talents because we've see his James Bond movies before and have learned from the mistakes of his past enemies. They always surround themselves with just one super henchman so we figure five would do the job to keep him at bay (plus Sean Connery is really, really old now). Finally, we are convinced that he is so perfect for the part that no photoshop was needed to convert Sean Connery into Grandpa Seth because he already looks just like Robert Ormsby. The name's Seth, Grandpa Seth.



Another huge chunk of our budget will go towards a Delorean time machine so we can travel back a decade and snatch up 1999 Haley Joel Osment for the roll of little Joshua Waits. Seriously people, do you have any idea how much Plutonium cost these days? (no, we don't have the Mr. Fuon upgrade yet - geez get off our back) Anyways, the honest reason why we want Osment is because he has onscreen peeing experience. In The xth Sense Haley had a touching toilet bowl scene and that's exactly what we are looking for when Joshua Waits lets lose on the Goblin chow his family is about to eat. Our problem with the original Troll 2 is we wanted more from that dramatic moment. Here's Joshua who loves his family so much that he is willing to pee on them to save their lives. We've decided in the remake that we won't be cutting away and we want the audience to experience the wiz as it flows onto the food and his family. Still, I swear if that kid cries or complains one time about being over worked, under fed or lack of sleep he really will be seeing dead people (a joke ten years in the making folks).



Our last casting choice that we'll be taking a closer look at is the roll of the Waits teenage daughter, Holly. This part will take someone with an extreme acting style to capture the inner madness and insanity of Holly Waits. From crazy, half naked mirror dancing (ok, we added the half naked) to a psychotic melt down on her boyfriend, we needed a chick who's been to the dark de of humanity and back. One minute she's a smoking hot tease and the next moment she's making love to human corpses (ok, we might have gone too far). Are you ready for this? We want Juliette Lewis baby! Of coarse we'll need to use our Delorean time machine again so I think we've justified that purchase to our producers but just think about it. We want the Juliette from Dusk till Dawn, the Juliette from Natural Born killers, from the Cape Fear remake! Nilbog won't know what hit it when Juliette rolls ups in her crazy style.



Ok, so the more we've been talking about this remake the more we want to see it happen. Obviously most of our choices can't make a current day cut just because of the space time continuum but with some of the garbage that's been remade why not a serious attempt at a Troll 2 remake? Even though the "Best Worst Movie" documentary is probably the closet thing we'll ever get it's still fun to speculate and joke around. Below are a few more casting ideas that we had but ran out of time to photoshop pics. Still, we'd love to hear who you'd like to see in a Troll 2 remake.Cast of remake characters some not pictured.

Haley Joel Osment: Joshua Waits son

Bruce Campbell: Michael Waits dad

Sheri Moon Zombie: Diana Waits mom

Juliette Lewis: Holly Waits daughter

Sean Connery: Grandpa Seth

Megan Fox: Creedence Leonore Gielgud witch

David Hasselhoff: Preacher Bells
Horror Domain - Cursed Evil Overlord Wednesday 5/25/2011 at 04:12 AM | 76782
HAHA!!

Clasc!!

The casting is almost spot on though....Haley Joel might be a bit old now..however Juliette Lewis is just awesome, good pick!Also..Nice Photoshop job!
NightShape Wednesday 5/25/2011 at 05:26 AM | 76789