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Character Collision: Victor Crowley vs. Cropsy

I’ve taken a bit of a vacation from my Character Collion column. After a daylong slasher marathon, I’ve determined two indious characters, milar in nature that would make for one enthralling war. After all, who the hell wouldn’t salivate over a potential showdown between the lumbering Victor Crowley and the vengeful beast known as Cropsy?


There seems to be a glaring difference between these two in terms of durability. Namely, Victor Crowley seems to be an immortal slaughtering machine, while I perceive Cropsy as a tough as burnt leather disfigured mortal.

The bottom line comes down to history I suppose. Victor is after all already dead; the poor bastard had a hatchet stuck in his grill (just for starters) for heaven’s sake, while Cropsy is merely a survivor of a foolish prank gone awry... that just so happened to leave him not only pissed off and mutilated, but exceptionally powerful.

While Cropsy wields his garden shears with a purpose, they’re not likely to inflict the damage that Crowley can bestow with his bare hands. Shears may be sharper, but Crowley’s got himself a hatchet, and given the questionable differential in terms of their mortality, I’ve got to conder Victor the more durable of the two.

Edge: Victor Crowley. Cropsy’s tough as nails, but he’s not likely to walk away from a brutal tussle with Crowley unscathed; it’s just that mple.

Combative Creativity

Unfortunately for Cropsy, there is just no competition here. The mangled caretaker is limited in his arsenal, bringing few tools to the table, and a fraction of the strength boasted by Victor Crowley.

Crowley will snatch up any sharp object within arms-reach, and the son-of-a-bitch is so insanely strong he can rip your head clean off or split your torso in two like a life zed soft clay sculpture. This animal has no qualms with creating on-the-fly murder methods and it’s as mple as that.

Edge: Victor Crowley. Sorry Cropsy, but ole Victor is just too damn creative to compete with!

Defenve Skills

Here’s where the momentum sways. As I previously noted, it seems Cropsy can be put down, for good. I can’t confidently say the same for Victor Crowley, but that’s not to say Vic has the defenve advantage.

I’d venture to say that Cropsy is the more intelligent of these two, add a furious rage and dedication to revenge and we’re onto a change in tides. Victor Crowley may be a tricky fellow who finds a means to camouflage himself wonderfully within the brush, but he lacks the brain power possessed to outsmart Cropsy.

Edge: Cropsy. A distinctive trace of humanity and intellect ensure that, even in the heat of battle, Cropsy is the likelier of the two to pull some effectively evave maneuvers.

Grand Assessment; Final Prediction

This one gets ugly fast, as both hack away at each other with a fair assortment of sharp utenls. Victor gains the edge, and does so early, wounding Cropsy in ways that make his old human torch act seem tame. Cropsy however still has a handful of little assholes to chop up before his mison ends, and that certainly keeps him in this fight longer than expected.

After taking off a piece of Victor’s head with those rusty shears, Cropsy pulls the wise card and makes a break for it. At which point, the mystical chameleon known as Victor Crowley emerges from the swamp lands, cutting off his foe, only to disassemble Cropsy, limb for limb before pong for a local photographer, still holding that burnt dome nice and high for the camera.
Matt_Molgaard Friday 9/09/2011 at 03:16 AM | 82367
I'm ashamed to say that I've never seen The Burning :( but this doesn't change how great an article this is! Once again amazing work. I wasn't sure if you got my last request but I would love to read you pit The Thing against someone/something. I really think that would be an interesting battle!
joshk1986 Friday 9/09/2011 at 11:44 AM | 82374
Couple of handsome 'fellers.
Jonny Sicko Wednesday 9/14/2011 at 12:42 AM | 82648