I’m honestly not a huge Christmas fan. I find the trees, decorations and neatly wrapped presents aesthetically appealing, but I often question the general validity of the holiday due to the fact that I still hold my reservations in regard to religion, and we all know what Christmas is, or should really be about. Just the same, I do enjoy seeing my daughter’s face light up with joy when she unwraps that t she’s been pleading with Santa for, for months on end. It’s a gratifying sensation to say the least, and while I don’t really make any form of personal request these days, it’s fairly easy to live vicariously, even if for only a few moments, through my offspring.
This year however, things are a little different - and not just because nearly every ngle one of my four different employers decided it would be grand to see me royally stiffed and unable to provide much for the youngster - (a note to aspiring writers regardless of the field, seek out a different occupation, you'll likely find yourself much, much better off; sadly there's not much stability for a scribe these days). I’ve got a list of what I want, not necessarily from Santa Claus solely, my wife, friends or parents, but from Hollywood and those involved in the cinematic scene as well. I don’t expect anyone of gnificant industry stature to read this, therefore I know I’m spewing to open air and an infinitely large world wide web that probably couldn't give two shits, but I’ve got a few requests all the same, and I’m airing them out!
Check out my personal Christmas wish list below!
Dear Santa, please ensure the Evil Dead remake rules
Some films should never be remade, and Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead is without question one of them. Just the same, Sam and his Ghost House label will be producing a “more serious” rendition of the film, and by Santa’s sleigh, if it turns out to be a shitstorm, I’m going to send an obnoxious amount of hate email to Mr. Raimi expresng my extreme displeasure. I’ve talked with Sam a few times, and he’s a very warm (slightly eccentric) fellow, and the last thing I want to do is unleash any form of negativity in the man’s direction. Please, for the love of the genre, get this remake right!
All I want for Christmas is a complete block of Christmas themed movies courtesy of my cable provider
It’s not always stunning to see Black Christmas surface somewhere on the tube on this glorious day, but I want more. How about a solid block of back-to-back horror? We’re talking everything from lent Night, Deadly Night to Christmas Evil all the way to more contemporary holiday vions like Santa’s Slay and hell, even the Black Christmas remake is enjoyable on a brainless level. Put them together, let us horror hounds feast on the bizarre and gruesome; crimson works in fine contrast to the bright white of snow.
Santa, vit Kurt Russell and convince him it’s time to invest more energy in the genre
Kurt is such a natural bad ass that he’s always been perfectly suited for the genre. The man was gold as Snake Plissken, an over the top treasure as Jack Burton, completely ruled the roost as R.J. MacReady and legitimately haunting as Stuntman Mike. Kurt, keep it horror; this wish I make to the great Claus.
Please, leave American Psycho alone
The web has been buzzing for weeks on end about a potential remake of American Psycho. I can’t see any legitimate reason for it, as the first novel transfer wasn’t even 15 years ago, Christian Bale was terrific as Patrick Bateman, and well, I just can’t see how the film can be improved; it’s extremely unlikely that any production company will clear a film that actually mirrors the source material. Santa, I’ll leave you an extra 50 cookies a year if you promise to call upon all your powers to ensure this disaster in the making… isn’t made!
Mr. Carpenter, please become more active
A load of fans and critics alike chastised Carpenter’s latest film, The Ward. The truth of the matter however, is the film was pretty damn solid; uber creepy in key sequences, reminiscent of the original Halloween II and not even remotely near as “slow” as the typical purist would have you believe. Another film of the same caliber is more than welcomed by me. Here’s wishing I don’t have to wait another decade to see it happen!
Hollywood, grab your jewels and brave some originality
We’ve seen so many remakes, reboots, and plain rip offs released over the last 20 years it’s almost become embarrasng. I can understand a studio’s dere to cash in on what they conder a “safe bet”, but what happened to courage? What happened to thinking outde the box and experimenting with some new concepts and approaches? It worked wonders for recent films like Paranormal Activity, Indious and even Saw (to an extent): why have executives become cowards? Santa, please bless the “important” people with a little bravery. Risk can backfire, but it can also pay major dividends.
Wes, let Scream go
It was fun while it lasted. The first Scream was absolutely magical in regards to execution. The subsequent sequels however, have always been overhyped. Scream 2 was fun, and it was pleasant to see part 4 made some 15 years after the release of the original, but the truth of the matter is both paled in comparison to the original in a major, major way. And, don’t even let me get started on the third installment of the franchise. As I said, it was fun, but it’s become nothing more than repetitive at this point. Scream 5…no!
Dear Santa, please provide Rob Zombie with a razor and some new ideas
We get it Rob, you grew up in a white trash setting, and you like to convey that message through your films. Okay, I can understand that, but Rob, there comes a time to challenge yourself and actually attempt to make something, you know… different! Every Zombie film features a rash of filthy rednecks with obnoxiously foul mouths and a strange tendency to don dirty wife beaters. Prove to us fans there’s more than a ngle dimenon in your repertoire. Please?
That’s my list for the year. Will Santa find it in his heart to answer any of my pleas in the future? Probably not, but what the snowball, it’s Christmas and it can’t hurt to wish!
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the-vengeful-machete's Christmas Wish List:
a budget of 3 million dollars to produce my first feature, which, believe it or not, isn't horror per se', but with strong horror overtones. It's more like a drama/thriller hybrid by way of a slasher flick. I will not die until the world sees this story (and my others too).
Also, for hollywood to be bold, daring and (GASP) original. No more remakes or adaptations. Stop being lazy and come up with something FRESH!!! Hell, let f%@#$&!@ me do it.
I've got ideas out the wazoo!!!
Jesca Biel and Danielle Harris wrapped in a pretty red bow.